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Post by Techguy on Jan 28, 2007 19:25:16 GMT -5
It's not sappy at all, Peachybc, it's very eloquent and well-stated. I hope Mrs. T and I reach the 34+ years married state as you have done. It is a magnificent feat to stay together and committed for so many years.
I also agree most of Metella's and Sirenna's posts. Thanks to everyone who has weighed in with their input.
To add to the pet peeve theme, I also have little tolerance for those who consider "friendship" and "family" a one-way street. This type wants and expects you to be there for them on demand, and then finds all sorts of excuses to remove themselves from any involvement when you are seeking comfort or support. These individuals are manipulative and controlling leeches/parasites, and the sooner you acknowledge their behavior as deal-breaking, the better off you will be.
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doctorj
Silver Shield Investigator
Posts: 92
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Post by doctorj on Jan 28, 2007 19:35:50 GMT -5
i love the sappy stuff, peachybc! it's wonderful to hear someone share their experience of deepening romance as the years pass by -- the joy of sharing everything with that special someone -- rather than talking of the work in marriage, or the daily errands, or even the small disagreements over exactly how far you can be from the curb before you'll get a parking ticket.
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peachybc
Silver Shield Investigator
Posts: 109
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Post by peachybc on Jan 28, 2007 20:38:28 GMT -5
Peachybc That was beautiful....Your post said a lot about real love. Thank you Shadow Thanks Shadow. I really do feel fortunate. Not sappy (and I have the largest sappy detector on the board!) it is wonderful. I agree - this is my take on marriage; it is finding someone to belong to, to be loyal to, to lean on, to share & laugh and cry with and still know they are going to be around to do it all over again. It has some passion and a lot of respect thrown in the mix. I LOVE to hear actual happy endings. One thing that throws me in a frenzy is hearing about any 10+ year marriage breaking up and the guy connecting to a younger woman. That is one of my biggest pet peeve buttons. So I really dig hearing 34+ relationships still going strong. Metella, I think a good marriage (and a good friendship) is understanding who you really are and want you want and expect from a relationship. And it's also finding the one person who accepts and understands you for who you truly are and vice versa -- the good, the bad and the downright ugly -- and they still love you! My parents were married for 25 years and got divorced! Go figure!
It's not sappy at all, Peachybc, it's very eloquent and well-stated. I hope Mrs. T and I reach the 34+ years married state as you have done. It is a magnificent feat to stay together and committed for so many years.
I also agree most of Metella's and Sirenna's posts. Thanks to everyone who has weighed in with their input.
To add to the pet peeve theme, I also have little tolerance for those who consider "friendship" and "family" a one-way street. This type wants and expects you to be there for them on demand, and then finds all sorts of excuses to remove themselves from any involvement when you are seeking comfort or support. These individuals are manipulative and controlling leeches/parasites, and the sooner you acknowledge their behavior as deal-breaking, the better off you will be.Amen TechGuy, A two way street is essential to any good, decent relationship. It's a sign of mutual, genuine respect and liking. Any time you're constantly giving and getting little or nothing in return, it's time to reevaluate the relationship. Life's is too short to be with people who sap your love, your strength and your generosity of spirit! i love the sappy stuff, peachybc! it's wonderful to hear someone share their experience of deepening romance as the years pass by -- the joy of sharing everything with that special someone -- rather than talking of the work in marriage, or the daily errands, or even the small disagreements over exactly how far you can be from the curb before you'll get a parking ticket. doctorj, When it's good the romance does deepen, but there are bumpy times, too. You can't live with someone day in and day out and expect to avoid grumpy times, mundaneness, boredom and those occasional "What ARE you talking about misunderstandings." It's understanding that ALL of it is part of the deal and making sure to get out of the rut and clearing up the mix-ups. We're lucky in that both of us are upbeat, happy people, rarely down in the dumps. Disagreements and misunderstandings are handled directly without anger or accusation. That men are from Mars and Women are from Venus thing does happen. Ya just gotta be willing to admit you're both space travelers and figure out a common lingo at times. PeachyBC
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Post by Sirenna on Jan 28, 2007 22:36:17 GMT -5
lovely post, peachy!
That's always been my exit-indicator or 'deal-breaker' being able to happily share the mundanity of life with someone else. Forget the cheating, lying or demeaning issues some couples face. Can you sit across from him and bear to watch him eat day-in, day-out?
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doctorj
Silver Shield Investigator
Posts: 92
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Post by doctorj on Jan 29, 2007 1:46:13 GMT -5
hear, hear, sirenna!
if you can learn to look upon picking up their shirts at the drycleaners as a labor of love, then you've got it made.
-- the no lying, cheating, or disrespecting goes without saying. you start with love, friendship and respect, because even with that, it isn't always easy!
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Post by SarahIvy on Jan 29, 2007 3:23:22 GMT -5
Your post was not even a teensy bit sappy, Peachy, I thought it was lovely and very true. I have changed my lines slightly overtime & changed them to the tighter. Me too, Metella. In some ways that surprises me, because I have actually become a more easy going person as I've aged. But at the same time that life experience just piles up, and at least for me, it was a matter of my own self-esteen growing and developing and then looking around and seeing a lack of equality in some of my relationships. Now I don't hesitate to scrape friendships that aren't two way streets. I've developed more strict boundaries because I have discovered I quite like not feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. I know I'm a good friend, and now I understand what I need for someone to reciprocate (it was also learning and recognizing that I am a good person and I am worth that). I prefer long term dependable friendships...the 2am Gatorade variety No lying, no manipulating, and I've got to know I can count on you when things get hairy. so... if ever-burning romance is not the key to healthy marriage, does that mean we're back to seeing marriage as a social contract? in which marriage becomes a deal worked out between two human beings to run a household and (most often) bring up children? Good question! I don't think so, no. I think there are a great deal of incredibly deep and rewarding aspects to a sexual/marriage/long term relationship beyond that initial flush of ever-burning romance. I think the idea of ever-burning romance is what gets a lot of people into trouble, really. As Peachy so eloquently stated, that comes and goes...but what are you left with if there is nothing else there? Romantically speaking, for me the big thing is the mundane stuff (as was mentioned by Sirenna). My husband is literally the only person on this planet I can imagine spending such a huge quantity of time with. If I couldn't, that would be a deal breaker, because I am not going to bother sharing my home and life with someone who is not an active participant in the day to day mundane. We seem to spend more time alone together than most couples, what with me working from home, and him only working part time....and yet, we never get tired of each other's company. I think that's huge, and there is no other person on the planet I would want to give so much of myself to. He is truly my best friend (with benefits ), and I feel incredibly lucky to have found him.
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Post by Sirenna on Jan 29, 2007 10:48:22 GMT -5
On the other side of that just as there is something indefinable that glues two people together, in spite of all the "stuff" there is something equally strong that says no to particular person. I was watching a show on the Discovery channel called "I Shouldn't Be Alive" about two Americans who got lost in the Amazon jungle for two days. They used to date but broke up and went on their trip as friends. They suffered, with no clothes, no shoes or food or water and were sure they were going to die in that place. They even made a suicide pact giving themselves 24 hours to get out. Both said they grew to love the other even more as a result of their experience. After they were rescued, they still didn't hook up. I guess you just know. Lovely post, too SarahIvy! There is such a clarity and simplicity in both your and peachy's posts when you talk about finding true love. I guess it does make poets of us all!
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Post by BegToDiffer on Jan 29, 2007 14:25:28 GMT -5
Peachybc - I'm a sucker for a love story. And your's sounds great. Best wishes for 30 more years. By the way, does your husband have a brother, uncle, cousin or any available male relative? If so, send his number.
Deal breaker for me? He's got to like animals, and I don't mean on a plate. Cheater, I'd like to say I could get over it, but who knows for sure?
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rangerhm
Silver Shield Investigator
Posts: 59
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Post by rangerhm on Jan 29, 2007 14:49:14 GMT -5
Infidelity is a definite deal breaker for me. I don't think I could forgive even if it were one time and he told me about it. It is such a breach of trust.
I'm with you SarahIvy, if you can have fun with the mundane things you have chosen the right person. After 15 years of marriage my husband is still the one I want to snuggle on the couch with.
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peachybc
Silver Shield Investigator
Posts: 109
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Post by peachybc on Jan 29, 2007 16:51:04 GMT -5
Your post was not even a teensy bit sappy, Peachy, I thought it was lovely and very true. I think there are a great deal of incredibly deep and rewarding aspects to a sexual/marriage/long term relationship beyond that initial flush of ever-burning romance. I think the idea of ever-burning romance is what gets a lot of people into trouble, really. Romantically speaking, for me the big thing is the mundane stuff (as was mentioned by Sirenna). My husband is literally the only person on this planet I can imagine spending such a huge quantity of time with. If I couldn't, that would be a deal breaker, because I am not going to bother sharing my home and life with someone who is not an active participant in the day to day mundane. We seem to spend more time alone together than most couples, what with me working from home, and him only working part time....and yet, we never get tired of each other's company. I think that's huge, and there is no other person on the planet I would want to give so much of myself to. He is truly my best friend (with benefits ), and I feel incredibly lucky to have found him. Yes, yes SarahIvy! You too! How wonderful to read this! My husband is the only human being I know of that I can spend twenty four hours, seven days a week with and never tire of his company! Peachybc - I'm a sucker for a love story. And your's sounds great. Best wishes for 30 more years. By the way, does your husband have a brother, uncle, cousin or any available male relative? If so, send his number. Begtodiffer that cracked me up! Sorry...he's the only son and everybody else is taken. PeachyBC
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Post by BegToDiffer on Jan 31, 2007 12:56:02 GMT -5
Deal breaker for me- if you hit me, you are history. Also, if you are unkind to children and/or animals, its good bye!
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rue721
Silver Shield Investigator
Posts: 101
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Post by rue721 on Jan 31, 2007 15:30:44 GMT -5
As for the animal thing- my mother always says- that if a man doesn't like cats, watch out- he doesn't like independance I have pretty much the same criteria for friends as well as "significant others"... they have to be good-hearted people. I can forgive anything else... but compassion is a must. That's why I'm firmly in the "if he cheats the cab driver or yells at the waitress, it's a no-go" camp. Those are obvious signs of being a selfish jerk, and I don't want to be around that for any length of time- whatever the reason for it. As long as a friend has compassion, though, I'm going to keep believing in them.
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Post by Patcat on Jan 31, 2007 16:17:44 GMT -5
Nearly all of the great dictators--Hitler, Napoleon, Stalin--hated cats.
I understand if people who have allergies dislike cats, but I'm suspicious of others (g)
Patcat
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doctorj
Silver Shield Investigator
Posts: 92
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Post by doctorj on Jan 31, 2007 20:56:30 GMT -5
i hope you don't mind if i quote that fact about dictators to all my friends, patcat! (i read your post to my kitty and she's staring at me like, "duh, i told you so.")
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Post by madger on Feb 1, 2007 10:43:22 GMT -5
On my second or third date with my honey, he told me he had to go home to feed his cat, and actually meant it, I went home with him and never left ;D
I never trust anyone who doesn't like cats, to me it is a sign of a fragile ego. I have no patience for people who need to dominate others, they don't like me either.
I never knew how I would react to being hit until a guy tried it, they had to pull me away because I was going to do some serious damage to the jerk, boy was he stunned!
As for cheating.... I don't know, it's not something I worry about, both the Mr. and I would find it too much trouble to be worth trying.
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