Post by annabelleleigh on Nov 28, 2008 5:45:23 GMT -5
'Law & Order' 101
By Alex Beam
The Boston Globe
November 28, 2008
"Next semester I plan to teach a course: Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned From "Law & Order" Reruns.
Let me be clear: I have never learned anything from the spinoffs "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," "Law & Order: Criminal Intent," or "Law & Order: Enough Already!" I have never watched one of those shows. I have never watched "Law & Order" in prime time. I don't even know what night it is on.
But you don't need no stinkin' TV Guide for the reruns. If you own a television, you can watch them morning, noon, and night. So here is my curriculum; let's call it open courseware. Take my ideas, teach them in your schools.
Lesson One: You are replaceable.
Michael Moriarty - who he? He was, of course, Ben Stone, the first executive assistant district attorney on the show. Also gone, and long forgotten: Detective Mike Logan (Chris Noth, Mr. Big of "Sex and the City" fame); detective Phil Cerreta (Paul Sorvino, father of the beautiful Mira); and Arthur Branch, played by lackluster presidential hopeful Fred Thompson.
Lesson Two: Forget the law boards; work on your wardrobe.
The best preparation for working at the Manhattan District Attorney's office is the Ford Modeling Agency. There has simply never been such an astonishing succession of gorgeous and talented lawyers assembled in one place. Far be it from me to suggest that Abbie Carmichael (Angie Harmon), Jamie Ross (Cary Lowell), Claire Kincaid (Jill Hennessy), Serena Southerlyn (Elisabeth Röhm), and Alexandra Borgia (Annie Parisse) were hired for their looks, but I can't imagine their perfect-10 appearances counted against them.
Lesson Three: Don't date the office.
Assistant district attorney Jack McCoy (Sam Waterston) committed hanky-panky with his beautiful, statuesque colleague Diana Hawthorne (Laila Robins) before she left for private practice and a closet full of mink coats. In a famous episode, McCoy prosecuted her for withholding evidence in a case involving a serial murder. Hawthorne claimed she was doing her boss/lover's bidding. Hawthorne's successor, Kincaid, murdered her on cross.
Lesson Four, Review: Do not date the office.
McCoy comes close to committing prosecutorial indiscretion when he goes nuts after learning that his girlfriend Kincaid has died in an auto accident. And don't forget conductor Carl Reger from season 11 who never should have slept with that attractive violinist.
Lesson Five: Do not mess with the Kennedys.
Ben Stone's successor, Adam Schiff (Steven Hill) warns McCoy that Regina Mulroney (Jane Alexander) is going to hand him his head if he hauls her into court. He does, and she does. The Mulroneys, whose family has "made many sacrifices" for the country, and who possess a cigar cutter won off Winston Churchill in a poker game (Joseph Kennedy was US ambassador to London during World War II), are assumed to be the fictionalized Kennedys.
Lesson Six: Never trust the Feds.
McCoy naively thinks his old enemy, assistant US attorney Bob Gevirts (John Driver), is going to honor the city's immunity deal with nightclub co-owner Jeff Stahl (Joe Piscopo). But no, and Stahl heads off to prison and a near-certain death for testifying against Mafia bigwigs.
Lesson Seven: Want a friend? Get a dog.
McCoy's former underling Jamie Ross comes back - twice - to litigate against him as a private lawyer. She loses, which doesn't prevent her elevation to the bench in a brief-lived spinoff, "Law & Order: Trial by Jury."
Lesson Eight: Take the money and run.
Yes, those were the fictional DA's McCoy and Schiff shilling for the investment house now called TD Ameritrade. And yes, that's S. Epatha Merkerson, legendary detective chief Anita Van Buren, urging you to take Coricidin, now that cold and flu season is upon us. It's good work if you can get it.
Lesson Nine: Death comes to us all.
I still haven't come to grips with the untimely death of 70-year-old musical comedy legend Jerry Orbach, who played wisecracking detective Lennie Briscoe for 12 years on the show.
Lesson Ten: Or does it?
Robert Morgenthau, the DA for New York County who is said to be the model for Adam Schiff, has been in office for 34 years. That is almost twice as long as "Law & Order" has been on the air. Ars brevis, Vita longa.
Class dismissed!"
Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com.
© Copyright 2008 The New York Times Company
www.boston.com/ae/tv/articles/2008/11/28/law__order_101/