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Post by Observer2 on Nov 4, 2006 1:08:11 GMT -5
Nikki,
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I don’t know if hospice means the same thing in Canada as it does in the US. Here it is a place of care during the last few weeks or months of life. If that’s the case, then I’m glad your father feels that he can acknowledge the closeness of death when speaking with you. For those who know they are close to it, it’s often important to be able to talk about it.
My mother knew the night before that she would die the next day (as I’ve mentioned before, a bit of the Sight runs in her family). She asked us when her foster daughter would be coming over the next day. We told her it would be mid-afternoon. She said, no, that will be too late. Call her and have her come in the morning. And she was right – by mid-afternoon she was in a coma. Our family knew to accept her sense of what was happening. But she had us call her priest to come over that morning, as well. He came, and she told him thank you, and goodbye. But he couldn’t accept it. He kept saying, I’ll see you next Wednesday. She was trying to tell him how much he had helped her – and I hope it sank in for him. But he couldn’t accept that she was dying. Or else he couldn’t deal with the idea that she knew she was dying. Either way, it was a sad thing to see in a priest – and it was his loss. For the rest of us, it was a beautiful, gentle goodbye that lasted from the night before through a wake-like vigil as she slipped gradually into a coma while my sister, foster sister and I sat with her, sometimes crying, sometimes laughing, as we spoke of some of our best memories of our lives with her. Long after she could speak or open her eyes she would squeeze our hands to let us know she was still hearing us, still sharing the memories with us. Death always brings grief and loss for those left behind, but doing what we can to help a loved one through the transition can soften the grief and leaven it with sweetness and a kind of peace.
There were a couple of books that I read when I was taking care of mother in her final illness. They were helpful to me, not only in that situation, but in many other ways, as well. They were called Healing into Life and Death and Meetings on the Edge, both by Stephen Levine. Perhaps they might be helpful to you, as well.
May you, your father, and your family be blessed with love, peace and joy even amidst the pain and grief of parting.
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elizabethbay
Detective
Oh god, I've swallowed the tie clip...
Posts: 242
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Post by elizabethbay on Nov 4, 2006 23:16:55 GMT -5
Nikki, from Australia to Canada go warmest, warmest thoughts. Many of the people on this board are personally only too aware of your sad responsibility, but you may find that hospice is a far more peaceful, 'natural' environment for you and your family than a hospital. They are places of tranquility and wells of quiet strength and immense support on which you can draw.
Observer, your recollections and reflections are so insightful. I've taken the liberty of sending a portion of them to a friend (no links, no identifying information or marks of any kind, just the essence of the experience) who is now facing what you faced. Her mother has elected not to undergo further treatment, has gone home to her own bed, to be surrounded by her own books, and her own thoughts and memories. My friend is an only child, so she will have only her husband to support her, and I fear she will have a far lonelier vigil than you. I hope the spirit of what you have said will stand with her, as another kind of peaceful presence in the darkness.
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Post by spaniard on Nov 5, 2006 1:04:41 GMT -5
I have no idea about what to say to someone that faces a battle like this one. I only hope it will be quiet, peaceful and warm.
My prayers for you all.
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Post by sarahlee on Nov 6, 2006 9:24:37 GMT -5
Sorry, I'm feeling rather gloomy of late...but let's lift our glasses to the ones we miss, may they always dance in our hearts...
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Post by Cassie on Nov 6, 2006 21:01:31 GMT -5
Sarahlee, I lift my glass in honor of you and your special friend, may all your memories hold you tight, until you both meet again. sending many hugs your way Night Watch
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. "Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.
Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.
The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.
Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night. Along towards dawn, the old man passed away. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding, and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.
Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.
"Who was that man?" he asked.
The nurse was startled, "Why, he was your father," she answered.
"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Stay.
We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience.When I read this story this morning, I thought of you, Sarahlee Your a true solider in the army of life!!
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Post by Techguy on Nov 7, 2006 21:42:14 GMT -5
Yesterday Mrs. T had her 33rd and LAST radiation treatment!
*Techguy doing Goren happy dance, twirling Mrs. T around*
We had a very nice dinner out to celebrate. She goes back for a checkup in 4 weeks, and will also visit her oncologist and surgeon in the next couple of weeks.
Thanksgiving and Christmas will be extra special this year.
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Post by janetcatbird on Nov 8, 2006 1:44:40 GMT -5
Yay Techguy!!! Yay Mrs. T!!!!! I'm glad things turned out OK, and that you got a chance to celebrate. Yes, enjoy the close holidays this year. Big hugs to you and Mrs. T, we're on the sidelines cheering the happy dance!
Nikki, I am thinking of you, your Dad and your family. Big tight hugs to y'all as well during this next phase.
Love to everybody, good times or bad.
--Catbird
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elizabethbay
Detective
Oh god, I've swallowed the tie clip...
Posts: 242
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Post by elizabethbay on Nov 8, 2006 3:16:12 GMT -5
Twirl away, Mr and Mrs T! What an achievement, and what a great time of year to be able to celebrate. Had I known you were going out to dinner, I would have sent two lychee martinis to your table with my compliments, Techguy (and if Mrs T is not allowed alcohol, I would have sent a lychee Shirley Temple ;-)) One hour later: Signs and Portents from another Wolf. In the absence of martinis, I send you greetings from our resident Wolf spider, Phoebe. She is very lupine, very hirsute, and very gentle - unless you mess with her too much, and then she will bite you. Today she's well fed (it's been raining, and her bug-lunch has been bountiful), and she's in a good mood, and she waves her forelegs at Mr and Mrs T, Sarahlee, and Nikki. Below is a link to a picture of one of her relatives in Nebraska. If you hate spiders, don't look ;-) i14.tinypic.com/47ilnad.jpg
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Post by Patcat on Nov 8, 2006 10:32:25 GMT -5
Great news, Techguy!
Patcat
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Post by madger on Nov 9, 2006 13:22:17 GMT -5
Sorry to take so long to chime in:
Nikki I'm so sorry about your Dad, it can be a bittersweet experience for the whole family, I'm sending a virtual hug to you and yours.
Yey Mrs. Tech!!!
Happy birthday to all you November babies.
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Post by janetcatbird on Nov 11, 2006 15:14:04 GMT -5
There's no such thing as a "Happy Veteran's Day". Techguy please know I'm thinking of you and all the others who have served. Here's to peace, both political and personal, for the soldiers, the families, and the friends.
--Catbird
PS: Today is also Kurt Vonnegut's birthday (84). He makes a point that he was born on "Armistice Day", comemmorating the ceasefire after World War I, rather than a soldier's day. Happy Birthday to Mr. Vonnegut with thanks for all his writings.
"...all the people of all the nations which had fought in the First World War were silent during the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour of Armistice Day, which was the eleventh day of the eleventh month. It was during that minute in nineteen hundred and eighteen, that millions upon millions of human beings stopped butchering one another. I have talked to old men who were on battlefields during that minute. They have told me in one way or another that the sudden silence was the Voice of God. So we still have among us some men who can remember when God spoke clearly to mankind."
(from Breakfast of Champions)
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Post by Sirenna on Nov 11, 2006 21:43:13 GMT -5
time, time, time .
there is never enough.
I wish I had more time to post my thoughts on this board and you all!
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Post by Techguy on Nov 11, 2006 22:05:58 GMT -5
Thanks for remembering Catbird, and also for the mention of KV's birthday. He and I inhabit the same planet, after all, or at least are in close proximity.
I spent the day as I usually do, paying my respects at the local Vets Hospital and cemetery. I also do this on Memorial Day, as a traditional way of remembering my brothers and sisters who also served.
For Sirenna, and whoever else is reading...and listening:Time--Pink Floyd
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today And then one day you find ten years have got behind you No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking And racing around to come up behind you again The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say
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Post by Observer2 on Nov 12, 2006 1:33:02 GMT -5
Nikki,
It’s so strange to have a Veterans Day pass without one of your special posts. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Techguy,
I’m so glad for you and Mrs. Techguy! What a relief for you both!
And to you, and to all the men and women who have served, and are serving, my thanks and prayers.
My nephew left the US a few weeks ago. With a stop in Kuwait, he expected to “have boots on the ground” in Iraq by now – his second deployment there, with less than a year in-between the two. He joined largely out of a desire to serve – both his country and the people of Iraq. He came back from his first deployment with a much less hopeful outlook about what we are doing, and what we *can* do, in Iraq. I hope and pray that he makes it back again.
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Post by NikkiGreen on Nov 12, 2006 21:33:30 GMT -5
Thank you very for your thoughts and prayers, Observer. Your kindness is much appreciated. Thanks also to Catbird, Janethyland, Techguy, NicoleMarie, Patcat, Caseyswife, Elizabethbay, Spaniard, Madger and Sirenna. I'm sorry if I left anyone out.
Observer, the hospice here is what you described. It was all about making things comfortable for my Dad in his last days. I can completely understand what your Mother requested. Our family had been spending time with him in 'shifts'. But, we all gathered together at the hospice for a party at the hospice a day and a half before he passed away because that was what he wanted. His birthday was Christmas Eve and a big get together at his house on December 24 was a tradition going back many decades. We had Christmas party favours, etc.
He had wanted to go in his sleep. And that is how he went. Finally free from all of the pain.
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